Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
