she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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