It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
