I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
