my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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