He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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