i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
