I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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