i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
