Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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