uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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