She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
