I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
