i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize