Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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