i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
