No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
