just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
