i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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