Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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