You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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