You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
