that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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