When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
