Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
