the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
