The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
