My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Randomize
