In the future we'll all be gay
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
