I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
