i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
