TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
