I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
