i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He better not be in your backpack
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
