She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
