i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
