Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
