I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
the day after is always just damage control
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
