I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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