I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
