Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
