i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
And then he peed in my hair
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