I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
