She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
