I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
