hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
