she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
