I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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