our cab driver is having phone sex.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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