my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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