I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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