sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
