everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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