I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
