I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize