I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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